I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
there was a guy here who managed to get his head stuck in a fishbowl. no, I don't fuckin know how
Heating the house with the oven may not be safe but at least it's always preheated
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
I'm glad I booty called you last night. It was nice to see you and talk, in between all the sex...
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
I just caught myself watching and Irish step dance documentary in my underwear drinking nyquil through a straw at 2 in the afternoon. today's off to a good start.
I thought my period ended but I felt it again as soon as Pitbull started playing
Maybe you can just make seal noises during sex and we can call it good
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
i just wanna know who wrote "dibbz" on my ass?
Randomize
