There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
So how was awkward coffee with forgets-your-name?
He asked me If i had cheated on my boyfriend when I said no he said it's like he doesnt know me anymore
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I feel like I've been slapped by Gods icy cold dick of vengeance.
I sent him a pic of my tits.. All he said was, "oh your sun burn"
Dude, you disappeared somewhere on the walk back and shortly after we got a call from your cell phone from this guy explaining that him and his roommates woke up to the smell of burning pizza and a naked stranger on their couch.
Dude between pissing everywhere and all of those frogs, that bathroom got wrecked.
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
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This is a sacred holiday in the land of the free! I do what I want!
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
The time to say "now you can't go and be strange about this at work" is not as you are penetrating your coworker. NOW its awkward
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
everytime he speaks i want to fuck him less. i just wanna tell him to shut up and take his pants off and we could both be happy.
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
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