i was rollin on her like bob the builder
Nobody needs to come anywhere. Except on your face.
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
It was smashing those cupcakes into my face that did it. Junk food and I don't mix.
I've got to stop giving the gift of vagina for every occasion. I'm exhausted.
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
A man in a black on black escalade pulled up next to me, and told me he was sent to pick me up by you.
His name is Tyreece. He will take you to the weed emporium, population me.
Listen it's no longer the walk of shame to class when ur leaving the frat house and the brothers ask "when are coming back home"
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
If I shaved my pubic hair into a heart for valentine's day how much would you judge me?
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
He said he wanted to lick the breadcrumbs off my chest
I just bought spray paint, a T-shirt, and a box of magnum condoms. The cashier refused to make eye contact! Haha
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