Google if cops ever smoke weeds and then bust them. I need to know immidiately.
this kid is using one arm to help his buddy with a keg stand, and the other arm to hold up the chick he's making out with.
my vagina has been out of service for wayy too long... this semester needs to start like right now
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
Hey, don't think you remember me but we met last night. I'm conducting a survey this morning its only one question: Have you seen Rob since 1am?
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
Do they sell "congrats in losing your virginity!" cards and do they come in gay?
I feel like I should acknowledge that I see you as a human and not a ragdoll sex object
Fine I'll cuddle you but only for the purpose of trying to survive
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
Randomize
