If you want her to think you're a true humanitarian, you may want to stop referring to Hands Across America as "the Ghostbusters 2 of fund raisers."
You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
He poured all of the vodka into the sweet tea and said that tomorrow it would be called 'surprise drunk.' then we had sex.
We're playing a drinking game to 'how to train your dragon'. has it really come to this?
Not sure if jager bombs can cure tuberculosis, but its a theory im testing as we speak
Babe. Honestly. Trust me. Your balls are not that big. And i'm eager.
the welcome home hickey he left on my boob is really gunna put a damper on the rest of my thanksgiving hook up plans with the rest of my ex's
crossed #23 off the Slucket List!
YOU JUST MADE YOUR SLUCKET LIST THIS MORNING.
Do you think if 10 year old us knew that we would be passing out in a McDonalds after a hefty night of drinking, and 23 McChickens, they'd change anything?
I'm gonna send you a dick pic now just so your uncomfortable at work
It's Friday the 13th and you just got boned by a guy named Jason....
30-degree weather + Metal Cockring Monday = really hard to pee.
I feel a little uneasy about having my grandma sleep in my bed that I've banged chicks in not too long ago... Fuckin blizzards
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
Randomize
