she's doing push ups on the keg. hows a girl supposed to compete with that?
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
I Just realized that having a picture folder that says "not for mom" may give off the wrong impression to wondering eyes
dude skip the party. it is a fucking post office here
what the hell does that mean?
nothing good but a whole lotta male and packages
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
He introduced himself to me as "the gayest gay who ever gayed." I like him already.
You asked him for a membership to him and his dick.
So take that alcohol. I still win. I ALWAYS WIN. Plus i didn't have to wear clothes. DOUBLE WIN.
I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.
Licking pop rocks off a stranger's washboard abs and kissing strangers young enough to be my kid. Yeah, it was THAT kind of party last night
My new boobs got me 12 drinks at the concert. Whose the real winner here?
Just wiped the ashes off my forehead before he came over to have sex. Definitely going to hell.
so this hot guy who looks like brad pitt circa troy era in my physics lab is staring at me right now and it's taking all the willpower I have not to procreate with him right now.
My dad just invited me to smoke a blunt with him. Parent-child bonding at its finest (and highest).
Randomize