"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
and my herpes radar will keep us safe
i love insurance, just had an iv with 4 bags of fluid, 2 shots of finagrin and a 2 hour nap . woke up without a hangover. all for $20
my shit smells like andre
At one point I was double fisting both beer & ice cream. I love public events in this town.
You need 4-7 business day to recover from a fingering like that.
I think the camel was justified in biting me.
THC water in my coffee on the way to work. How's your Tuesday?
I'm doing shots of jagger in dixi cups and making a lesson plan for my 8th grader summer school class. My life is so close to adulthood I can taste it
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
I wore my lizzie mcguire socks to the bar last night. Because that's how i get all the ladiez
I had to ask my mom to look for my kegle ball...
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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