Dude also, my grandma got me condoms for easter and kind of winked. I don't know what to think
he gets drunk and then tries to eat the lasers at the dance club
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
I didn't think it was possible, but that girl next door is even louder when drunk.
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I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
The only way I could get him to agree to hook up with her is telling him I'd hook up with him next week.
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
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I had 2 shots but she spilt one on me. Kinda mad but kinda grateful
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
I didn't want dick. I wanted spaghetti.
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
QUICK FAX ME THE BALL
Not how faxing works at all btw
Yeah. I got a Tetnus shot then partied like it was 1999.
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