Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
she just built a cabin out of hotdogs and cooked it in the microwave.
now she is shaking the plate and mumbling "this is what california must feel like"
Either I'm a lot drunker than I thought, or he has three dicks....
I think I'm gonna have to go with the first one...
MY DOG FOUND A BAG OF COKE ON THE SIDE OF THE ROAD!!!!!!!!!!!
AND ITS GOOD STUFF TOO!!!!!! AHHH!!!!!!
My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
well i did drunkenly flip his snowmobile going 90, so i can kind of see why hes mad
Just quiet vomiting, and in between heaves she mumbled "be the pro"
She is crazy, dude. She actually bit me on the gootch.
Yeah. Well last night I sold my shoes to a man who I'm pretty sure has a weird foot fetish for $150 cash.
I need to stop getting high and watching documentaries. Wanna go to Japan with me and protest the mass genocide of dolphins?
I'll just tell you, some how when we were having sex on Friday my collarbone got fractured.
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
i have too much dick at my disposal? i should make them fight. best dick pic gets laid
She's walking down the sidewalk with a notebook, a pencil, and a box of cheez its while yelling profanities at small animals.... I'm going 2 ask her where she was before this.
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
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