Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
i cant wait for all this BS that is happening with Tiger to happen to Tebow
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
I guess I realized I had a problem when I ordered 4 shots and told the bar wench to pour them all into 1 glass
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
YOU GAVE HIM A BLOWJOB ON YOUR DOORSTEP?!
I have a pair of clean panties in my purse. This is having your life together.
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
He's eating a sriracha ravioli sandwich. How do you think the night is going?
I will not go because I am a man of my word and of my penis.
Randomize
