Went from beach to class to bar all while wearing my swimsuit as pants. Clearly I'm dressed for success.
My arms are sore from holding up pukeahontas for so long
She has puke on the back of her shirt not quite sure how the hell she did that
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
she came back from her house with A paper cut , a 2liter of sprite with Bacardi , and half a mustache . we're inviting her more ofte
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
So our bartender was in the bathroom the same time I was so I ordered a beer mid stream.....is that weird?
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
And I hope you're not misinterpreting us fucking as me trying to win you back. The sex is good and girls have needs.
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
I admit I fucked your best friend, but to be fair, you fucked the tristate area. So there's a good chance about 40% of those people are MY friends.
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize