I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
wow, i just saw a girl period all over the floor. get my shoes
does the new i-phone have a pregnancy test app?
What wine goes with Cap'n Crunch?
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
We should live in a duplex and just hook up with randoms for the rest of forever and be animal hoarders.
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
after giving head I just always feel like I need like. ice cream. as both a means of getting the lingering sperm out of my mouth, and a congratulations.
Please put me on a plane and hypontize me into forgetting the little bit of last night that I do remember.
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
Congratulations! You can now legally do that thing you said you never do again!
THANKS! I'M SO EXCITED TO NOT DO THE THING
OMG YOU GO OUT AND NOT DO THAT THING, GIRL! I SUPPORT YOU 100%!!!
fuck emotions I should've gotten more cats
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
Randomize
