I can't watch pbs sober anymore
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
I just made this asian woman on the boardwalk that was giving 20 dollar massages upset after I asked her if a happy ending comes with it.
watching E! true Hollywood story: curse of the lottery.. i'd probably spend all my money on blow and airplanes too..
drunk tastebuds have low standards.
I'm pretty sure this is how polyamorous relationships begin.
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
Just drove past the dude that came in your sock
Sorry about all of the penis things that happened last night.
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
He called me 'pal' while complimenting how well I took his load on my face. I've officially been fuckbuddy-zoned.
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
He finished and he wasn't even totally hard. He actually came without a boner.
HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE.
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
Randomize
