if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
Let's go to weight watchers and eat in front of them.
I think i'm just gonna start shot-gunning everything that comes in can form.
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
Sorry I dragged you across a parking lot
speaking of creep .. love how I kept touching strangers faces at the bar ... and saying "Don't worry I'm a dermatologist"
I think I just smoked a piece of your foot. Were u picking your feet by the weed?
But I do cardio so I don't get winded during sex really it's not like I'm trying to lose weight
It's Saturday night and I'm getting shitfaced alone while reading Dino porn. Wassssuuuupppp
Just text him and be like do you want this pussy or not. You have three seconds to respond.
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
My diet has been 80% Fun Dip this week, soooo, no. Not good.
That's actually very serious....I really do think of you whenever is see pizza
dude where did you go last night?
when the tequila says to run, you start running.
Randomize
