I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
hey, sorry about all the butter. I thought it was gonna help.
On the bright side I still get a $20 referral bonus at the plasma center even though he passed out during donation because he was so high.
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
You might have crossed the line by jerking off while she was in the bathroom taking a prego test. Just saying
I'm bringing Sergeant Single Slut out this weekend. I hope you're ready for her.
The last time I thought I had a UTI, I ended up having herpes. Sooo.. This time in preparing myself for cancer or death.
He stole all of his parent's vodka WHILE they were in the room, and then opened the window and snuck out. I was watching from my truck
I'm not saying I would have to be high to sleep with him. I'm just saying it would probably help.
I'm glad you don't care about kids. That's one of your better qualities.
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
Spent tonight painting strippers in camo.
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
Randomize
