I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
if you were to get worldwide popularity from playing guitar with a plastic yellow bat while drunk on YouTube, would you hate me?
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
I love waking up with his head head between my legs, it makes me feel special
I am VERY upset that you called my fiesta a waste of time.
She just threw the soap bottle at me from the ladie's room and keeps asking me when we left the bar and got on the boat.
Nope not happening. When I close my eyes the floor moves. I'm going to enjoy this free roller coaster.
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
Yeah, I've hit on priests at bars, too. Such a shame, there are a lot of hot men out there who've devoted themselves and their glorious genitalia to the Lord -_-
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
Just laying in bed, snuggling my cat, and pondering whether I'd like to attend a swingers party this evening...
He said he couldn't fuck me cause I kinda looked like my brother
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
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