So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
It's fine actually... I'm pretty sure he had the crookedest weiner in the world anyway.
Like he had it hanging in the wind and you just decided, "nope, I don't think that one's for me." ????
God no! I could just feel it. His clock said it was 8:00 when, clearly, it should have been midnight.
It's like sexual therapy. We hooked up. And now were talking about our recent breakups.
Emoooo
so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
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His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
I actually want to hang out with her with our clothes on. That's a big step up for me.
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The number of times I have seen your cock and the number of times I have wanted to see your cock are different!
I can always see lesbian subplot. It's my hero ability.
Omg, those nutella cakes are heavenly, like licking the nipples of a muscular black Jesus.
i just got banned from the m&m's website for trying to get poon slayer written on my custom order
making my breakfast out of the pot brownies we made last night. Safe to say it's time to go grocery shopping.
My aunt just dropped me off at the bar, handed me $50 and told me she'd pick me up later if I needed her to. I should've gotten my license suspended a long ass time ago lol
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