But like now everytime I pee I just think... wow I had sex with him on this toilet.
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
She just flushed the toilet with her head inside it...
For the amount of money I just spent on my dogs toe, I could have fucked the entire B squad at a low end strip club.
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
Yep. I'm going to buy a sex toy and a LARP prop on the same trip. Welcome to my life.
I just want every freshman guy to know about Grindr just so I can have more options
So we broke my sobriety. Played life size childhood games. Broke into a cold hot tub and got laid. I think this is BFF quality!
I'm sure there's been a weekend in 2014 we were sober... Clearly it wasn't fun, bc I can't recall it. Point proven, alcohol is key.
He got me off while watching hockey. He's a keeper.
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
Alright, I've had enough of this good girl shit. Tonight you either blackout or backout.
If I die bedazzle my coffin please.
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
Randomize
