You better drive. If I decide to let them talk me into a 3-way, I don't want you to be stranded.
You know, be my cock's hype man.
No matter what you may say to me. You will still be the guy that managed to get his own cum in his hair.
I started sorting laundry at 6 am. He finally got the hint and left
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
WHO INVENTED HANGOVERS WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
I have no idea. I think this is what happens when people take drugs in the middle of the day
I look like i have multiple stab wounds in my foot and there are footprints from the elevator to my room. What happened?
When the nurse referred to my vag as "your downstairs", I knew I found the perfect Doctors office.
I keep shaking cocoa puffs out of my hair. Best Sunday Funday ever.
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
I feel like we have a good system here turning our sketchy decisions into great stories.
I'm all dressed in my outfit from last night, and I'm not even the sluttiest person in Walmart right now. God bless Miami.
holy shit! you were walking down a hill and just happened to be passing a trash can like 4 ft away and projectile vomited over a fence into the trash can. kept walking and drank a beer.
Randomize
