Yeah but my nose is so stuffed if I tried to give him head I'd suffocate
Yea well when i pee it makes steam.
the only girl from my high schools graduating class coming to our school next year went stag to prom and still has braces...
dibs.
How do 1 in 4 women misread a pregnancy test; how stupid are women?
He cummed in my mouth, then said he had to go because his best friend broke his foot falling off of a balcony, put twenty dollars in my hand and was gone before I could even swallow...
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
it's so much work when my dad takes my car to get fixed, i had to take out the bottles, condoms, and my pipe
We banged through her entire lady gaga playlist. I can die happy now
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
On my way home from the dentist. Was going to call and see if you would like to wake and bake, then remembered my sister is an adult
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
I can't tell if my roommate is crying or having sex and the fact that there's anime in the background is only making this more confusing
After finding out he was married when we were together, I don't trust him.
You ran the halls of the dorm naked handing out condoms. You were the sex fairy. Best you can do if you're not getting laid.
Randomize
