took him home. told him i would rock his world. passed out. a for effort f for follow thru
He just sent me a dick pic with his iPod held up next to it and the words "in relation to iPod." Geekiest booty call ever.
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
He started crying and showing me pictures of his ex. she was really pretty. It's an honor to have shared a penis with her.
First I must say that I am disappointed to learn that you knowingly have trashy friends with whom you've not hooked me up.
honestly, i'm just crying in the kitchen naked and eating salsa
Time is so short and I miss you. (I just watched that commercial where the people all laugh and get older and die.)
No he can't help me find his house he is strapped to a stretcher facing the opposite direction
Sext: Bring me pancakes from the midnight breakfast gathering please
Rage-masturbating and then crying myself to sleep. Welcome to Wednesday.
Only real friends lend their restraints to engagedfriends to fool around with married strangers.
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
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