I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
I do not want to do anything. The words more tequila need to be erased from my vocabulary
You crawled through a doggy door 5 times for a shot if cheap vodka.
Because everyone is allowed one half drunken 7:30 am walk back to campus in a cowgirl costume, right?
I am tired of banking on my penis size to overcome my lack of game.
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
Told my prof I have mono so that he won't judge me when I show up hungover and looking like shit to class every day.
Just skip
Please. i have SOME standards
Now the circle is complete. Just interviewed a guy who was a higher up member of the team I worked for in my job before this place
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
Please can we have sex in this office for old times sake
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
Randomize
