i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
The last thing I remember is stabbing him with his diabetes medicine
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
You know this who 'I show my love by being a total dick' thing is getting old, right?
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
She literally just changed his birthday. Overly attached girlfriend has nothing on her.
Finals drinking + forgeting you had to take your ambien because you work at 6am mid paper= drunk logic which then entails going on a "detox" run. Puking your guts put in the field house bushes while some random guy says to you "its okay. We're marching on."
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
I know it was your bday but bringing a airhorn and blowing it yelling "buy me a fucking shot" in the bartenders face was a little uncalled for
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
He told me to take off work and bring a bathing suit. If this doesn't involve six flags hurricane harbor or sex in a hotel pool I'm going to be disappointed.
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