I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy.
That changes everything.
Before we started fucking, he laid me on the bed, and asked my what my sleep number was, so that i would be "comfy"
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
all i remember is that her bootyshorts said 'shameless' and that there was no turning back.
I would like to add..this is the first november for two years that i haven't cheated on a bf...thank you..thank you
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
If it was designed to hold water, it was designer to hold wine
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
I would like to apologize once again for rubbing your thigh with my hands and face for a very long time last night.
I'll always remember 2012 as the year I hooked up with countless girls who had the sides of their heads shaved.
Just got our of the shower. I'm standing naked in front of my open windows cause fuck my neighbors that's why
He just made my one night stand pancakes for breakfast. And I thought living with my ex was going to be weird.
Randomize
