yesterday i saw a blind man guiding himself into a NYC tour bus... and i thought i waste money
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
when a 14 year old is judging you, you know you've had too much to drink
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
I just took a shower and I feel like 20 pounds of sex just came off of me.
She said she wanted to have closure sex.
You played "let it burn" by usher 28 times, knocked over the 36 gallon fish tank, and passed out in the kitchen. Yeah...That drunk.
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
WHAT KIND OF DEALER ONLY WORKS FRI-SUN???
Ours, apparently.
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
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