I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
does the new i-phone have a pregnancy test app?
I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
Just gave my little brother the collection of clothes that boys have left in my room since I've been in college for his birthday.
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
We need to stop sleeping with people based on which NFL team they like.
Handcuffed our DD to a naked stripper don't think he will try to sneak out
He can pick locks you know
That's the reason for the naked stripper
Sushi was just eaten off my naked body. I feel like I can die in peace now.
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
it’s my vagina i can do what i want to
Where are all your bongs? Your Dad wants to make sure they're put away before his family gets here.
Umm....in my room, on my closet, under the bed and behind my laptop.
Randomize
