She just got back from rehab. You dont celebrate that with margaritas.
he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
it got awkward when the only couple not hooking up was just watching..
...and the foreplay consisted of me threatening to cut off his hand if he didn't remove it from my back.
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
This dude. Just lost. A finger. He asked us for tape.
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
Like do you hear me I PUKED IN MY OWN HANDS AND HE STILL SAID I WAS GORGEOUS
It got messy; I did a shot of seamonkeys.
I realized I was totally the dude in that hook up. I came first and didn't wanna help him finish. And he had paisley sheets.
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
Like sorry you chose to have an attractive girlfriend dude
Well, I woke up on a roll-away, with a knot in the back of my head and penis confetti stuck to me. Also, I apparently literally gave the shirt off my back right before I passed out, so I was topless. Vegas won this trip.
He left me alone in a hotel room my last night in town to go home to jerk off and watch TV. So yeah, I guess we're not really friends.
Randomize
