3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
you kept shouting how the only tree you would hump is an elm tree because they're under populated
I'm not gonna lie. having my legs shaved for me in the morning was a lovely surprise.
I fell alseep but then some dude picked me up. Comforter and all stuck a blunt in my mouth and carried me back downstairs because "I wasn't done partying"
I cant believe she fell for the mistletoe belt AGAIN.
Would it be out of line to take a picture of all the earrings, rings, hairclips, and other miscellaneous girl items that I found under my bed and post it on facebook and tag all the girls that I slept with this year so they can claim their shit and get it out of my house?
Champagne pong turned into an expensive and painful experience.
Haha, maybe if he wasn't dressed up like Kimmy Gibler he could give her the D
I want my birthday to be like the hunger games where all the contenders for my vaj have to fight each other off to win the prize
Can I have the second place winner?
Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
It's like sleep walking but with blowjobs
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
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