Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
I can't lisssten to Lou Holtzsss ssspeak anymore
Revenge fucks should not count towards the total number. They're justified.
When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
marshmallow pipe was a success. so was melon pipe. come try it
I threw up sweet potatoes. Worst thing to throw up ever. They came back mashed.
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
Girl just walked into the bar with a T-shirt that says "I'm not Irish, kiss me anyways." Target aquired.
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
We're living together and you don't know if I've seen Titanic?!
The only thing I remember is the 300 pound man breaking ur railing from sliding down it at 3 am. Must of been a good night.
I just described cereal to my mother as "acoustic breakfast soup".
who is this
I'm doing my accounting homework with my vibrator. Guess whose numbers are balanced on the financial statement? This ladys!
so on the street and some kid is chanting "cheeseburger, cheeseburger, cheeseburger!" while pumping his fist in the air. i agree.
Randomize
