i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
dude he was laying on two half-naked chicks, as they rubbed him down with lotion, while rolling a joint. hes like a modern-day african king
Agreed. And i highly doubt it could be awkward. You do remember our introduction was a direct result of you mentioning your affinity for my genitals, right?
I want to be done crawling through windows but the sex is too good to stop...but I'm running out of excuses for where the bruises on my legs are coming from.
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
Also, you peed on your hand last night. Id just like to point that out
Is it socially acceptable to stop at the strip club for the lunch buffet on my way to the airport?
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
Just had empanadas for breakfast while watching Wall-e with my yesterday's one night stand mother AND grandmother.
We need to talk about your improper dealings with the town drug dealer.
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
He literally just laid flat on top of me motionless at one point. It felt less like foreplay and more like he was trying to use me as a flotation device. 0/10
I was just seen throwin up on the bookstore building near a trashcan by parents. Naturally I throw a thumbs up and say go college
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