I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
out of nowhere you said let us see your boobs, then proceeded to pull my shirt down.
i gets down
Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
FOUR LOKO IS YES. SUNDAY MORNING DRUNK IS YES.
Fuck it dude, we gotta bounce before she starts talking about her steve irwin conspiracy
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
we knew we'd be okay when we walked up to the dealers house and he asked us to please be quiet as to not wake his nana.
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
I started blowing him in North Dakota, and I finished the job in Minnesota. Oh, the places road head can take you.
So im waiting for someone at grand central and i look up AND THE ENTIRE BALCONY IS FILLED WITH BOY SCOUTS I AM TERRIFIED
He told me to take off work and bring a bathing suit. If this doesn't involve six flags hurricane harbor or sex in a hotel pool I'm going to be disappointed.
I mean. I just want to sit in my bed and eat bagels. What's wrong with that?
Oh goddamn. That a super downer Tuesday reality right there. Just hit me with the cold, hard, nasty facts.
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
Randomize
