actually, I'm a sock model
Scratch that. Lia's boy toy's brother has a gorilla costume. This is gonna be great.
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
weed salsa. i deserve a nobel prize
i just thought that perhaps i was done with the "boning on someone else's futon" stage of my life. guess not.
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
I guess I realized I had a problem when I ordered 4 shots and told the bar wench to pour them all into 1 glass
He used Kanye West lyrics to justify what happened and I accepted his logic
Gotta get new sheets. ..I fucked the satin off mine.
like stop just cause your whole life has been one enormous reject pile does not mean that i have to suffer too
Gramp just called her sex-on-a-stick. AKA HE CALLED HER A WHORE. My 75 year old grandfather just called your ex's new thing a whore.
never let me tell the bartender to cut me off, i basically told on myself
Does the girl you just banged want anything from Taco Bell?
Sex was followed by homemade breadsticks. I waited till after the breadsticks were gone to tell her i had a gf.
Randomize
