my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
Some chick in the back of my Psychologhy of Addictions class just did a line off her hand. She tried to make it look subtle.
I'm going to make him fall in love with me one blow job at a time.
He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
Just picture a bunch of Abraham Lincolns having an orgy.
Hne relally is a cite oerfect gome. Nes awddddddddooooome.
I told him to keep his feelings in his pants because they're annoying and to just fuck me.
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
why does CNN give a flying $@*# about the royal baby so, so much?
i hope they name him Joffrey
Before he left he told me if his girlfriend ever finds out, she'll take us both to an alley and kill us.
Congratulations! You can now legally do that thing you said you never do again!
THANKS! I'M SO EXCITED TO NOT DO THE THING
OMG YOU GO OUT AND NOT DO THAT THING, GIRL! I SUPPORT YOU 100%!!!
We're sitting on the kitchen floor drinking and talking about mounting real light sabers to the dog's head.
Randomize
