You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
we're making bets on your personal life
It was literally like being eaten out by a dog. That bad.
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
I do remember getting hit in the face by an ugly one because she thought I was blowing on her butthole.
I cannot take someone's straight and gay virginity in one threesome. It's just too much responsibility.
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
raging hangover at work with a lunchable dreaming of the sex ill never have. my life is perfect.
Actually I learned to fire a 357 Magnum at the age of ten while on my very first period
Randomize
