I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
Highlight of my evening, pile of books falling onto me in front of people
My mother just asked me if i ever swallow the goods...should i be concerned?
Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
she has tattoo'd to her hips "grip here" this is why they made spring break
the can pyramid on my head actually reached a decent height before I moved.
I just asked the dr if it was herpes while wearing my shirt from the strip club...
I told you to stay away from the strippers in Oklahoma
Disregard that. She just puked into her boot and started screaming.
This is davidson friend mat i an drunk. Thank you for having a physical relationship. With David. I bet he gas a penis the size of an elephant tusk. You are a lucky lady.
I want a calm night. Not one where I wake up to you topless and bloody.
He came when he saw that my nipples were pieced
To show us how offended you were you took off the right foot of your pterodactyl suit and proceeded to attack us with it.
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
btw...it's noon and i'm sitting here drinking wine and eating pixie stix. I really need to find something to do...
Randomize
