Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
His pubic hair was longer than his dick
I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"
So there is a guy driving a robot around the college of engineering selling energy drinks
Guess who just screamed "Everything happens for a reason!!" in the abortion clinic. This girl.
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
I think it's god's punishment for my behavior in Vegas . Lies were told. Angels were defiled. Pools were pissed in
So I'm thinking that so long as I have this piercing, I'm going to get tested for explosives at the airport
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
I was less embarrassed asking him to torrent the teen mom's porn. I'm not gonna ask him to about season 4 of PLL.
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
He told me he loved me...but added "you crazy bitch" at the end. Does it still count???
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
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