That bitch is like a bad destiny's child song.
watching E! true Hollywood story: curse of the lottery.. i'd probably spend all my money on blow and airplanes too..
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
well, obviously he didn't fuck me for my strong moral fiber.
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
I now own a bag of cigarettes and have no purse, awesome
But seriously, I hug most of my drug dealers.
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
I smell like heartbreak.
Tequila and sloppy rebound sex?
How did you know?
So what happened at girls night? My roomate found me passed out locked out on the front steps of the house and it was raining. Yes low moment
She woke up, peed in the sink and then passed out again, it's only 2 in the afternoon
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
Randomize
