he thought i was passed out so he proceeded to jerk off while i lay on the floor next to him
You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
her last google searches are 'cheap african safari' and 'what does lion taste like'
I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
I told him if he cums in my mouth he has to buy me a cake that says "sorry I came in your mouth"
I want to be your penis for a week.
so we were doing it and I was like umm hi im losing my virginity can you take off your beanie
That's like doing a cinnamon challenge in my vag - but more painful.
I woke up sick this morning, maybe sucking a random dudes finger at a bar last night wasn't that clean of an idea.....
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
I woke up next to him with nothing on and my thong around his neck. I just put my clothes on and left, but he still has my thong.
Well the cops were called after the kid fell, but we saw 4 cute guys from our window while it was going down, so it wasn't all that bad.
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