I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
I love having hate sex.
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Do you think the party boat will still go out if there is a hurricane?
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
This is like a relationship, I expect to be mind blown at least once a week.
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I had to puke in a ditch beside a cow pasture and like 50 cows just stood there and watched. I could feel the judgment.
I deserve to be covered in dicks
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
You don't get to call me bro after you've had your dick in me.
It was some weird herd predator-evasion instinct. All 15 of us took off running in different directions, and the two cops just stood there, perplexed. They had no idea who to chase.
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
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