I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
you were passed out snoring, face down with all your clothes still on and 20 minutes later you sat up and said "FUCK YES" and then passed out again.
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
Other than a hickey from some random Canadian roller derby girl, I came out unscathed
If you could smell my eyes you'd understand the whole story
They were so big her bra clasped in the front. Didn't even know those existed.
Someone snapchat me a pic of you topless laying on the bar with Scotty pouring a bottle of tequila down your throat. IT'S NOT EVEN ELEVEN YET.
School starts next week
You went to a drug deal in a onesie.
My gay card got upgraded to platinum status today.
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
just woke up on the floor with a bottle in my hand. and by bottle, i mean a baby bottle. half filled with tequila.
Just got up.... With the club stamp on my ass.... How did it got there????
I was too hungover to sit up and pull the curtains closed so I did it with my toes
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