I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
i didn't know falling asleep in the tbell line could get you a dui. Isn't everyone there stoned or drunk?
I just typed in random letters on his address bar... 5 out of the 6....a porn site was in the drop down list hahahahaha get a life bro.
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
They are doing the auction. One of the items in the auction is a grenade launcher.
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
is it fucked up if I wear crotchless panties to thanksgiving to make it easier for me to fuck my cousins friend.
God I love you.
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
Sexting my TA in lecture = awesome
Randomize
