Just watched 1 guy 1 jar with my mom. Awkwardville...
There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
I suppose drinking a cosmo at lunch alone can't look good but I mean... sometimes it's just necessary
After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
I can't ever date him again. Whenever I see his face I just remember helplessly pissing myself in my car.
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
Nothing quite like walking through a spider web on your way back in from smoking to fuck up a perfectly good high.
You were passed out by the toliet and when i said i had to pee you told me to piss in the sink. Never has a girl with alcohol poisoning been so rude.
I'm naked in a forest ranger station right now
And then the night went full on bisexual.
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