I told her the white crusty stuff on my boxers was frosting not cum. She seemed MORE grossed out then
Walking home still drunk in snow. Snowflakes are my only hydration..Need moreee
Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
i just discovered a movie that charlize theron is a sex addict. i think my prayers have been answered
i never thought it was possible to fit gay, redneck and asian into the same sentence before i met you.
and this wasn't even the first one i'd hooked up with
I can trace it back to that drunken night where we peed on each other in the shower.
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
he slipped a picture of a kangaroo under my door that said "im sorry" on the back and passed out on my lawn.. who the fuck is this kid?
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
I licked your asshole in confidence.
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
Randomize
