It was kinda bitchy last night when i brought up my pregnancy scare and you said "shotty playing with it"
I thought we agreed I wasn't a screamer?
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
about to get into a hot tub with three cops. this cant go well
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
I actually enjoy jerking off to her facebook more than I enjoy actually fucking her. Just something with our generation
he's speaking broken english and calling me isaac.. this is not the australian i ordered for a one nighter
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
The guy at the bar repeatedly told us he was an off duty cop from out of town, that to normal people would be the time where you stop asking him to smoke a blunt with us
How much more is Amanda Bynes going to rip out our hearts?!?!?
It was all fun and games until he noticed the hickey that he hadn't given me...
i just woke up to her giving me a toothy BJ so I had to break into your bedroom and steal about 4 condoms. Sorry for waking you. :(
I WOULD NEVER MIX DICK AND MCDONALDS
Randomize
