Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
His dick was poking my bladder. That big...
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
Passed out on her toilet. Dog licked my face to wake me. Awkward talk with her boyfriend, who hadn't been home last night. Not sure exactly what town I'm in, but I'm south. Will call for ride when I figure it out.
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
Just saw a tranny in a skimpy captain america costume walking around campus. Going to follow her. You gotta see this
Either I just got hit on by a 10 year old.girl dressed like a boy or I just got hit on by a midget lesbian. Either way I feel uncomfortable
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
Yet he continued to eat cereal out of the glove compartment in my car.
Please tell me I made it home with both shoes on
Nope
Is it appropriate to send an apology gift to his roommates for breaking the bathroom sink during crazy sex?
To get him to come she paid for his uber and promised that someone in the house would give him head. it worked
Bootycalls can't go limp that's like against the law
Randomize
