I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
it's not our fault the pink and the sink are so close together.
This girls a $30 bar tab from being bi
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
I woke up to blood crusted on my face. I don't understand
team rage. no explanation necessary
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
Thanks man, but unless some hot chick comes in to work with a case of beer and offers me a head job, I'm pretty much screwed for New Years
It's like being the highest you've ever been, then doing about 20 shots, and chasing them with lines of coke. All while laying on the surface of the sun.
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
Literally sucked a dick for ten seconds before I said to myself, this tiny ass penis isn't worth it. My night last night
He flew in from NY last night. We had sex in the back of my car in the airport parking lot and then he fed me fresh Babka (from Breads Bakery) as I drove him home. I can't decide if I love him or Babka more.
He just kept pissing on the couch as we were yelling at him while he repeatedly told us "its going to be okay".
They think I fractured my spine while doing your cousin on concrete.
Randomize
