Do you remember getting into a Delorean last night?
The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
Does she usually listen to trance and cut up broccoli when she's high?
He sent me a picture of myself smashed completely butt naked passed out on the couch and said "at least I'll have these memories"
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
We are not in a rock band. We can't continue living like this.
His name sounds so important....sounds like the name of my future baby daddy to me.
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
I sense lesbianism
That's a weird power
He suffocated between her tits, but she didn't notice because he still came.
I threw up in my 8 AM. Morale is low.
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
You have a full penis tattoo of a cobra fighting a mongoose, don't you?
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