yeah worst sex in my life. plus i think her little brother was in the room.
yeah so i didn't even realize i was on meth until the next morning
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
There was a gorilla playing an accordion outside of my last final. I miss college already.
I went from a chick that didn't like to have sex to one that can't get enough of it. I can't believe I'm going to say this but at 27 I think I need a happy medium
She was perfectly content just sitting in the middle of everyone blowing bubbles in the air.
Well we didn't hook up. Maybe from his girlfriend's point of view, but not mine.
I think he offered to cook me dinner or cook me for dinner. Not really sure. Just smiled and nodded.
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
This little shit keeps eating the playdoh so i replaced the green with wasabi from work. Wonder what his parents are gonna think when he burns his soft palette?
Maybe it was that imaginary ghost dick you were stuffing in your mouth a minute ago
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
He ate me out on the front lawn of the post office. The people in the office across the road definitely got a show!
Randomize
