a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
So the next morning, she had to tell her kids we were moving furniture around all night.
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
can we meet up so i can piece together the end of my night? for instance, did i jump or fall into a plant?
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
Haha. Maybe he's one of those feminine men who fucks like a god then makes you fantastic crepes afterwards
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
Ps. I'm slapping the bag. It's an emergency.
I come home to my brother mixing skittles and vodka. We're all proud of him.
Santi's no longer allowed to buy booze in my lane. Last thing I need is a midlife crisis looking at his Id again.
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