im drinking this country out of the recession.
She had a bottle of NAIR in her bathroom, but she clearly hadn't been using it.
i just sent this text using only my big toe
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
My goal is to upperdeck the house I'm at, because it's some girl I don't know's birthday. Welcome to adulthood, bitch.
I gave up. I'm crying over my notes. Oh, ya know, just another drunk finals week
I'm not sure how many more innuendos I can slip into this fucking conversation before I just blatantly say "I want to fuck you."
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
I need to find out this kids work schedule. I need mustache rides on my lunchbreaks.
If we can't get laid at a bar crawl, we should just quit life.
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
well my grandpa saw your dick pic, so why don't you tell me how my day is going
We should probably feel disgusted that we took turns eating and drunkenly passing around a burrito the size of a small dog but i’m ok with it.
We popped the air mattress last night via sex and we just kept going but it feels like I have a bruise on every vertebrae
Randomize
