I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
I feel like ignoring a facebook event is a lot like a pocket-veto. The only difference is instead of opposing legislation, I don't want to go to your sketchy party.
the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
I can neither confirm or deny any bear related allegations right at this time.
She set an alarm on my phone for her birthday. Place: Her bed.
I'm just gonna plan on never getting a bf. everything I touch turns to gay
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
Xanax and cookies, it's good to be home
My trash can accurately represents my weekend: Bojangles wrappers and magnums.
Oh no. Did you guys fuck on my pull out couch?
i just want to die with dignity and clean teeth, is that too much to ask?
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
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