Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
It Amazes me that I was able to drunk update my status in Spanish last night.
how the fuck is Katelyn 5'1" and 85 lbs and she tackled a bouncer to the ground?
Dude. Yeah. This is a game changer. I feel dirty and possibly pregnant and it hasn't happened yet.
I have a bruise on dick where you tried to "high five" me.
Girl, we were harassing people from the top of a building. I don't know how I got down, but I'm eating chocolate cake in my kitchen. Sall good yo.
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
I can't wait to get home and drunk cuddle your dog
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
All that stuff they told us in middle school about drugs being easy to find was a bullshit lie.
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
Well she's 'call Wayne Gretzky a whore' drunk so you tell me.
Randomize
