my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
She refers to my dick as princess Sarah... oddly I'm okay with that.
I'm terrified to sleep next to her. Of course the sex will be fuckng awesome.
I found out during it when he said "my girlfriend never does this" so he's all to blame, I had no idea until half way through.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Playing a game in life called "how far can I make a man travel for a booty call"
i can now proudly say that ive peed off of a balcony overlooking the pacific ocean AND a balcony overlooking the atlantic ocean
You asked me if you could throw up in my shoe.
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
the only reason I'm still sleeping with him is to get the university's secure wifi password
I'm experimenting with sincerity
IT'S LIKE LOOKING INTO GOD'S VAGINA!!!!
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
I am so so sorry I bit your butt last night. Twice.
No one can explain why there is Dora the Explorer shampoo in my shower...
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