The elaphant ear plant popped a new leaf ! Wahoo !
You should never have let annie watch you have sex with other women
Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
you are my new fav person for making him do the walk of shame in pink footie pajamas!
i hope whoever thought of bagged wine flip cup last night has the same hangover as me. not ok.
MIND BOGGLER: batman and jesus are the same person. Think about it.
What if this is the rest of my life? Sitting at the bar waiting for someone to play Single Ladies
At one point, the guy you were fucking high-fived with the guy I was fucking. We should hang out with them again?
It's a goat... but where the fuck did it come from?
The guy next to me just said he wont play beer pong on principle. Im scared.
I truly wish I could say I pulled my groin straddling our cab driver but unfortunately I cannot
we're spending all day in bed drinking spiked eggnog and fucking
Sharknado 3 is going to bring us to alcoghol poisonign
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
Randomize
