I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
I don't think ill make it tonight the floor wont let me walk
Dude just fell down the stars trying to leave class early, the prof just looks down at him and says"thats what you get"
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
I'm drinking Leinenkugel through a Red Vine. I'm not drunk. I'm just happy with my life so far.
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
So we played the stone cold theme song and continued to chug 2 beers at once and everyone just looked in shock
is it too much for me to say that i have a ziplock bag with ice in it in my underwear?
I guess I was blacked out I hopped a fence and hugged a cow that night.
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
He literally poured blue Gatorade on me after we had sex and said "good game" all over my white sheets
I'm actually really happy I can say that my first body shot was out of a gay strippers massively ripped chest
we're tipping the strippers with chocolate coins.
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
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