I may or may not be laying in bed naked watching The Nanny. Niles is so spunky.
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
this crazy girl in up in Dennys is going crazy because Bob Saget just texted her.
I have to have sex with him again. I feel like I need to train him so no other girl experiences that bad of sex.
that was probably me. ive bitten a lot of people.
Which is scary since we both think with our vaginas
I woke up at 3am, my head in a toilet, still at the kegger, wearing a random cowboy hat.
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
Well we get the HIV results on my birthday haha. It'll be like happy birthday kid, you have AIDS.
The number of times I have seen your cock and the number of times I have wanted to see your cock are different!
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
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