Are you seriously trying to guilt me into sending you naked pictures by saying "So I can look at them during dialysis" ?
Is it working?
please come over and have sex with me so we can talk about prom and kill 2 birds with one condom
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
I feel that my cleavage set an unattainably high bar for 2013.
but we were going camping. it only made sense to bring the 6 ft bong
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
He told me that he wants to fuck me only wearing a princess tiara...How could I possibly say no to that?
Pretty sure if we keep hanging out on Tuesdays there will be no whiskey left for the younger generations or the universe will implode....tomato tahmato
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
Well 1) stay calm 2) stay safe 3) drink more
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
