I'm pounding a vodka drink as we speak to make her interesting
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
I miss Michael Jackson so much sometimes
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
What's clit gel and why is it in my wallet.
You know you're an upperclassmen when you go to a party with no makeup, wet hair, weed socks, and no shoes, take a shot ski, then leave
Grandma is high again and locked herself in the house
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
i wish i could put you in a lil box, and keep you for when i need to be blown
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