Leaving terminator. dude in front of us leaving was wearing a baggy micael vick jersey, cargo shorts and brown crocs. God I hate people.
only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
whiskey dick. though we did manage to break my closet door and flood the bathroom.
I just banged your sister. Thats what you get for takibg my lunch money in 2 grade, boom, boom fiyyaa powaa
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
Stop treating my vagina like a slapchop.
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
Is it OK to disqualify a potential therapist if she lists 50 Shades of Gray as her favorite book? Or is that a good thing?
I woke up on a boat next to an extremely attractive man wearing nothing but a life jacket. Neither one of us owns a boat...
I still don't know why she was so offended when I emerged from the bathroom and told her my balls were now clean.
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
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