So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
No one goes out in public like that, unless they do anal
just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
i just snorted my name. best moment ever
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He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
Just heard a guy on the phone saying " ya ill buy the eight ball " then came to my register to ask what asile the sugar substitute is on.
why is there an outline of nathan's body on my wall in whip cream?
Was that picture taken before or after I supposedly punched him in the face?
why is there a broken handcuff locked to the ceiling fan
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My mom is currently drinking alone in our kitchen singing the Dixie Chicks to herself so, hey, alcohol is forever and we should not be shamed for its use.
My husband has seen you naked more times this week than me. I don't consider it a bad thing since you keep bringing the booze to our house. And because my tits are bigger.
Bouncer came into the bathrooms to tell us the old one-person-per-stall rule, realised it was two girls banging, and left us to it. Lesbiperks.
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
And a hot pocket after we fucked. Heaven.
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
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