I wish i could go to google and type in drug dealers and it would bring up a number, a product and direction
I'm going to take the bottles back.. And maybe get an x-ray
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
Doing "bucket stands" with buckets of margarita. Don't tell me it's not a good idea.
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
On my way home I stopped at target and bought beer and galoshes. I am a planner.
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
It's like I opened a door and behind it lay mythical creatures sprinklin fairy dust upon the land leading me to a pot of gold. And that gold is some delicious cock.
after tonight, seriously nothing could taste better than toothpaste
He wants me to tell you "my boner misses you"
you can tell a lot about a person by the quality of their porn
so apparently over the course of the night my roommate and i had sex in exactly the same spot. ps the downstairs sink needs cleaning.
I am drunkenly riding a razor scooter up and down the hills of Cincinnati
What in the fuck are you doing with your life
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
Randomize
